The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
