i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
