Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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