I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
