Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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