Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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