piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
