well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
