I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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