Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
