I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
