I seem to have left my pride at pride
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
