just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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