She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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