I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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