i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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