I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
