3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
