Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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