I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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