Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Randomize
