Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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