I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
