he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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