I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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