My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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