I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
