Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
