I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
