nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
