At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
