His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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