i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
