then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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