the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.