Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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