my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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