Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize