My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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