Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
