upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
