Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
