After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
