just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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