he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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