And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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