it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
