maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
