I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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