Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
