it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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