I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You pole danced in your parka.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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