I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I want a musical about memes.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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