I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
