his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Too much gin, very little bucket
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
