I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
