Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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