I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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