I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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