i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
